Just Breathe


You wake up, stare at the ceiling, thinking this is not where I want to be. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to go to work today. I don’t want to do anything but lay here. Curl up inside your sheets as though they might protect you from everything you are hiding from. Sigh, you know what you have to do.

Head held high, dressed for the day, outside you look all put together. Inside is mush and you just float through the day hoping no one notices the truth. That no one can see behind your eyes to hear what your heart is screaming.

This is how you make it through the days. Day by day its just gliding, robotic, doing what is necessary but not fully present in the moment. Its completely understandable. You have been through a lot. Who else wouldn’t be just like this?

You aren’t really awake if this is how you are living. Just take a deep breath and step outside the shell you’ve created again. It wont help you. It will only isolate you from what you want so dearly. Breathe. You can do this. Remember, you are more. You deserve the life that you want.

Are you willing to go after it?

The Next Moment


I am too fat. I am unlovable. I will never be…. I wouldn’t be here if…. This is all I can have. I will have to take what I can get. My stomach is too big to wear anything like that. If only I were a size  10 again. I can’t believe my arms have so much fat on them.

We all hear it, in our own head. We all think these things and then try to cover them up, hope its our imagination so no one will notice them. Insecurities. From deep within, attacking at the perfect moments. When you are trying to make a decision. When you need to trust yourself. On a first date. A day at the beach. Getting dressed for work. Interviewing for a job. Every day there are a million moments that can be an opportunity to strike.

I am worth it. I deserve it. I am more. I am beautiful. I am loving and kind. I am a generous person. I deserve more.

These affirmations are very different. They lift my spirit. Show me that in all of me there is good. I was created perfectly. As imperfect as I might think I am, this is who I was made to be. For someone with insecurities that run as high as mine and self doubt that is a swimming pool that seems so inviting at first. This has been an uphill battle for many years.

Tell YourselfThoughts become things. When I put that together with what am I saying about myself. Hearing the evil villain in my head trying to get me to believe those words, I realized that I was only becoming the thought that was being repeated. I can change this! I can live a beautiful life. I just have to believe it. How do I do that? I change the words in my head. Its not easy and quite honestly it takes a TON of effort. I believe I can change my thoughts. When you first become aware, you can then accept the truth. When you accept the truth and reality then you can start to understand how to change it. And I believe in myself so much that I know I am more than the ugly villain in my head. That guy needs to shut up!

This has led me to take the first step. Yeah you though all that was the first step huh? It wasn’t. The first step was to take action on my beliefs. To prove to myself that this is real and I am capable. The opportunity appeared for me to stand up for what I want. To say that I want more in life and there is nothing wrong with that. To give someone a chance to meet my needs in a way that I wanted and needed, and to stop being ignored.

permission-to-let-goThat in and of itself was a huge step. The next step was me sticking to me. Maintaining that there is nothing wrong with what I am asking for and if this person wasn’t willing to give themselves the opportunity to meet my needs as I met theirs, then there was nothing more for me to do. I refuse to beat down a wall for someone again. It takes a lot of energy. I did it for two people in the past and the most recent one was myself. That is how I learned.

It is not possible to give yourself to someone on an emotionally intimate level when you wont let them in. That is being emotionally unavailable. No one can break your wall that you have built to ensure your safety from the world. The blocks around your most intimate feelings, thoughts, and emotions. When you let someone behind that wall  you are vulnerable. It will give them the ability to damage you to the core. So you have to trust that the person you let in loves you so much that it would break them to take advantage of your vulnerability. This person did not trust me and chose their wall.

Expectations are unrealized disappointments. I was continuing to allow myself to be disappointed in not receiving what I desired. I kept thinking that if I was enough, did enough, showed enough, opened myself enough, it would happen. That’s when I realized the real statement here. If I was enough, there wouldn’t be a wall. That wall isn’t my fault and it isn’t my job to get rid of it. Being with someone who is emotionally unavailable is something I have learned only leads to pain from my own expectations.

Empty CupI am more. I am worth being loved. My needs are important. Intimacy is not being weak. Loving is OK. Wanting to be loved is OK. I am a good woman. I deserve. I am worth it. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am strong. I am a good person. I am worth knowing.

It doesn’t matter that its not accepted by someone else. That just means that I can stop disappointing myself now. I am giving myself permission to be loved and receive the desires of my heart. Most of all I am giving myself permission to ask for what I want. I am giving myself permission to meet my own needs.

#Iamworthit. 

Wonderful

The Upswing of Rock Bottom


rockbottomHave you ever had that realization that you must have hit the true rock bottom, the all time low for your life as you know it? The moment where you realize that if this path continues, you will cease existence as you know it? I think at one time or another we all find ourselves in a situation much like that. I believe that a true “rock bottom” can look different for different people. Mine was not what I expected. Life took a very drastic turn for me and I was barely holding on. It has been a true life-changing, utterly altering, shockingly amazing journey that I have been walking.

My life has always had its ups and downs, whose doesn’t? I never thought that what happened to me would happen. That sounds so cliche. Every time I hear someone utter those words, I think, “but life happens to us all, what makes you think you are excluded?” I never realized until this past September, what it really meant. When someone says that they didn’t think the experience or situation would happen to them, they were truly blind to the reality that the possibility existed and was lying so close to them that it was waiting to strike. In September I was blind.

I couldn’t understand how this could be happening. I said to my mother “I tried so hard to make sure this didn’t happen…” What I didn’t realize until a bit later was that by trying to ensure these events didn’t happen, the ones that shook me to the core of my being and punched a hole so wide that I didn’t think it would heal but fully thought it would be the end, I actually had a hand in making it all come true.

It takes a lot to look at your life and the events surrounding you, the turmoil, shame, hurt, sorrow, pain, all of it, that it will either make or break you. I chose that I would not let this end me. I vowed that I would survive and I would be better for it. I would learn from this.

Had it not been for a very important person in my life giving me a virtual smack and a sudden wake up call that I was sliding fast toward a life that wasn’t worth living, that I realized I had to make some changes. Time to put the big girl pants on and quit wallowing in the hurt and pain and start making something out of it. You know the old saying, when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

God Rock

I started the journey toward self healing and self helping. Struggling to grip back on to everything in my life that I had worked so hard to build. I knew that I didn’t want to lose those things for good. I had to make a choice, I had to decide that I was worth it and the people I loved were worth it too.

Its not easy and I believe that it will be an ever changing, continuously rolling tide that will only grow with each sunrise and sunset. But I am looking forward to how beautiful those sunrises and sunsets will be each day, each moment, shining a God given grace, love and mercy on me, lighting up the path that awaits my next steps on a journey that I am proud to be walking.

I will forever be sad that it took my rock bottom for me to wake up. I can not change anything that has happened. I can only look to the future that will be waiting for my next moment.

Rock-bottom1

 

 

In the Darkest Hours


Our days are filled with so much. From things to do, people to see, and errands to run. Often times we can get caught up in “the everyday” and we forget the important things. Or so it seems. We take for granted what is right in front of us every day. Sometimes we need a wake up call. And then it happens.

I have struggled through so much in my life, from friendships to marriages to relationships at work or with my children. I have struggled through poverty to lower middle class america and everywhere in between. All of these struggles have one thing in common. At the core is a decision.

Decisions are what make up the paths we take in life. Sometimes our decisions are made  for us and other times its our lack of action that is in and of itself a decision for our life. I have learned to never regret any decisions that I have made or avoided making because the cumulative of them all have made me who I am today and brought me to this place in my life.

I have also learned that life will continually teach you the same lesson over and over until you learn it. All of this leads to growth. Growing from within and having insight into the world around you is such a powerful tool that many waste away or toss aside. I am lucky in that the people I have around me are supportive and guide me to my own answers within using the insight they have as well.

Sometimes our darkest hours create the richest experiences and cause the most growth. That is my wish for my dark hours. I pray that I will learn from this experience and I will come out the other side a better person than I am today.

Stronger


It takes faith. It will get better. You are doing great! This is not the end. God won’t give you more than you can handle.

Any of that sound familiar? I have heard it all and all too much. Life hurts. But life is happy and joyous with excitement and blessings. Life has so many corners and different paths to take. I have to wonder how I ended up here and you ended up there.

For me it comes down to one word. Strong. It doesnt seem to matter what is thrown at my path, I will make it through. I dont know how when I’m going through the thick of it all and I dont understand it when i look back on the walk. What I do know is that somehow, time and again, I prevail. Through the pain, through the hurt, through the tears and through the devastation.

I have found out how strong I am and just when I think I have made it, I find yet another canyon that has to be crawled through. I am grateful that I was given spirit for life. I am so proud of all that has been accomplished in my life, yet at the same time,  I desperately want to be at a place of peace and rest. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor and see smiling faces with laughter as the centerpiece.

I get that I am strong. I am glad that I am strong. I have needed this strength my entire life and I doubt that will change. But I yearn for the day of rest. For me, I was given a gift and a curse. I have survived and I will continue to survive. But sometimes strength is the last thing I want to need.

The Countdown Starts NOW


I met with my financial adviser – yes broke people need a financial adviser. If they didn’t they wouldn’t be broke! –  this weekend and at the time I was feeling pretty low all in all. I left the meeting – 3 hours later – feeling energized. I HAD A PLAN!

640px-Straitjacket-rear

Being in debt is a horrible, worse than ball and chain feeling. I feel like the bad magician who is in a straight jacket with chains and padlocks tied around me submerged in a water tank with the clock ticking. The bad magician freaks out, swallows tons of water and just short of drowning is saved by his trusty team of people who love him but yet needed to let him learn from his experiences. That is what debt feels like. Thankfully my trusty team of people who love me are some dear friends who are more family than anything and have been there for me always. This is who my financial adviser is.

Month over month I had been feeling like no matter what I did, I wasn’t making headway. I have known about the Dave Ramsey Baby Step plan for a few years at this point. I tried it once or twice on my own and did ok, but never actually did what I was supposed to. I knew intellectually what was needed but emotionally I couldn’t commit. k9530611

Have you ever heard of a hope sheet? I had not. A Hope sheet is a date/task oriented sheet where you list what it is you hope to accomplish by what date you hope to accomplish it by. This is my plan and my light at the end of the tunnel. After going through my hope sheet I have a reason, a plan, a how to and what not to do – this was the cataclysmic smack in the face I needed.

By following my plan and my monthly budget I can do this! My budget is broken down into two 14 day time spans. The baby step, of the baby step, of the baby step is how I see it. Baby Step 1 is to have a Baby Emergency Fund (BEF) of $1,000.00 as quickly as possible. Baby Step 2 is to pay off all debt. My debt consists of $51,523.00. How did I get here? Oh yeah, I have a me and a they problem. The “they” would be my children who don’t like to hear “no” and who have fully learned that if they bug, pester and annoy the snot out of me, they will probably get their way. The “me” problem – is partially what I just said and partially because I still fight the “I want what I want when I want it” child inside.

So where do the baby steps of the baby steps come in? How does my 14 day time span fit into all of this? Its much easier to think about controlling the me and they problem in this 14 days than it is to consider fixing it completely. Fixing it completely starts to make me think about that magician. Knowing that I just have to get through the next 14 days with a tad bit more control makes it so much easier! Isn’t this what addicts do? One day at a time…..

Well, here I am, taking control and saying NO MORE! I am going to get gazelle intense and outrun my predator to survive this meal. I will worry about the next feeding time when its feeding time. If I follow my hope sheet and my budget, I have a plan to be funded in my BEF by July 15, 2015. I also have a plan to be debt free – all $51,000 – by March 15, 2018! That is 2 years and 9 months from right now!

I                 CAN                        DO                            THIS!!!!!

Goal Overboard!


We all know by now that I am setting out to change my life and the life of my children. I want to change my family tree – as Dave Ramsey says. And I am sure that I am going to do just that! On this journey of mine I am learning new resources and new ways to view things. My current resource is one of Dave Ramsey’s books – How to Have More Than Enough. (I bought it for $10.00 in his May sale!!)

Anywhoodles – I have been working and reworking every chapter of this book – and I’m on chapter 3….. 🙂 I am sure I will write about this book and my journey through it over time. Chapter 2 was definitely a doozie having to choose parenting values and statements. That was not easy but I know all the work I am doing will be worth it in time. Here is something I created to hang on my family living room wall so we can have it in front of us always.

Capture

So, what inspired this post? Well now on Chapter 3 and the work I am doing here is about my future, my dreams, my goals and what life I want to create. I love creating my own life! The possibilities truly are unlimited. I don’t know how many times I heard that growing up and thinking, “yeah, ok” but not ever really understanding it. The excitement I feel in saying the statement “I am creating my own life” is immeasurable and un-explainable to anyone who has not held those words in their mouth and more importantly, in their heart.

But goals oh goals, I have so many of you. Which will I choose to be the end product? Which ones will come to fruition and actually be something I sit on my porch at 80 and laugh about? I do dare to dream and I do dare to wonder and I WILL dare to accomplish them.

As I was pondering on them I realized that I needed paper and pen – or a word document on the computer and so I started writing. Then I realized that Dave was right, I was going to have to define these goals hardcore. So I started writing more. Then I realized that he was right again! Darn IT! I was going to have to prioritize these goals. So….. Here is a glimpse of what the start of this is looking like for me:

Goals:

  1. Be debt free
    1. How much has to be paid off?
    2. How much money each month can be put toward the goal?
    3. How long will this take?
  2. Have a fully funded savings account
    1. How much money do I need to live on each month?
    2. How much money can I save each month?
    3. How much money will I need total in the savings account?
    4. How many months of expenses will this cover?
  3. Purchase my own home in cash
    1. How much home do I want to purchase?
    2. Where do I want to purchase?
    3. What does the home have?
    4. Will I renovate?
    5. Once I’m debt free how much money per month can be saved?
    6. How long will it take to purchase the home?
  4. Complete my bucket list by June 21st 2023 (day before I turn 40)
  5. Own rental properties with a cash flow of $5000.00 per month
  6. Own a ranch with 2 horses and a barn
    1. Will this be a 2nd home or my retirement home?
    2. What kind of horses and how much will they cost?
    3. Do I want to build all myself or find something that fits my needs?
    4. What is my budget for this?
  7. Retire by age 55
    1. How much income will I need to live on?
    2. How much will I need to have in savings?
    3. What do I plan on doing in retirement?
    4. Will that take more money that needs to be planned on?
  8. Become a certified coach
  9. Own a business out of my home earning $2500.00 per month
  10. Start a non-profit organization assisting young parents to achieve their dreams

I know, some of those sure are lofty goals right? Well, taking them all one step at a time will ensure that I am able to complete what is important to me and they will get done as God is willing. So, when I got down to number 4, I realized I might need to print out my bucket list again and put it back in front of my face. I had been feeling like I hadn’t done much in these first 2 years – yeah I know – 2 WHOLE years! but then I realized that I had. I have completed 6 of them, and 2 more of them are in progress so I would say that’s a pretty darn good start.

Looking at my list I realized some of these bucket list items will take a lot of money, or time off work/away from kids etc. That is not something I am going to have the luxury of doing while getting out of debt so I guess that means I need to prioritize them too. Good gravy! Well, I did. I have chosen 5 bucket list items to complete between now and my 33rd birthday in 2016. Those items are – drum-roll please-

  • Zip Lining
  • Helicopter Ride
  • Riding a Train
  • Run a 10K
  • Feel Comfortable in a Bikini on the Beach!

YAY!! I have a direction! *Sigh* The freedom in knowing where you want to go and that you have chosen to go there on purpose is such a relieving feeling. May you one day know this feeling that is filling me like a hot air balloon about to go for a ride. I am such a driven and achievement oriented person – please see earlier post 🙂 – that I am having a hard time holding myself back from running without hurting myself! I know that all good things come in time. And all things worth having are worth waiting for. And nothing comes easy. Hard work pays off. And all the other one liner statements about how it is that I am going to have to get there. I have one sentence for all of that:

PATIENCE IS NOT IN MY LIST OF GOD GIVEN VIRTUES! 

*SIGH* I know, I know, all in due time.

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